It's been a long time, and a long journey since my last post. I have been as depressed and helpless as I could be, and still survive. Been trapped in awful darkness, bleak neverending painful cold .... very lonely.
I've had plenty of professional help. Nobody should knock professional help ... it took a LOT to use the help, to get over the fact that the things other women had to help me do were simple things I should always be able to do. Get over the humiliation factor and keep reminding myself I want to re-learn how to cope, how to live.
So where are we now? The major successes - my son is now 2, and he is a lovely boy. Very open, friendly, caring, funny, happy, adventurous, peaceful, sensitive. He is often calm, exploring the world around him systematically and at his own pace. He is also often frustrated or angry, he has tantrums which he is slowly ( v e r y slowly!) learning to manage with me and by himself. Like any 2 year old he's working on it. Have to say, I am working on my own issues with anger, frustration and misery too so I can empathise with his predicament. Lucky for me I can talk, write, read and reason well. I have my husband, and I have my friends, and we are all able to communicate better than baby Jaan. I have more outlets, he has his voice and his limbs and us. It's looking good ..... I expect he'll keep learning new ways to reach out, mainly positive ways.
His words are coming along at any rate. The main negative effects of my depression on him appear to be his relationship with food - he is touchy about it, and picky, and avoids food a lot of the time. He has a very limited diet. I have been battling with food and weight all his life and have been unable to deal with food and cooking in the way I'd ideally do, so it's no wonder really. The other effect is his activity levels and DVD viewing. We don't go out as much as some people do. We watch TV or DVDs more than some people do.
I feel the burden of criticism, of failing my son, of rotting his brain. On the one hand - why don't I just turn off the machines, make us go out every day, stay out a lot? But really, oh my God, sometimes I can barely breathe. I don't know how I find the strength to smile and cuddle and sing with him, change his clothes, help him brush his teeth and feed him. Answer his questions about toys, books, food and 'where's Daddy' ( 'Ee Ee gone?? Oh no!!'). Keep his bum clean, stay faux-cheerful when no DVD pleases him, when no food, game or clothes are right in his opinion .... Stress levels can run high and my mind is all I have and I use it to force myself to be as nice as I can be, as pleasantly behaved as possible, and provide him with food, clean stuff and drinks with his entertainment - toys and tv. The house, mess, other people who are not him, answering the phone, going out - it all has to fall by the wayside when I have nothing left to give. I just have to wait till I can go out, cook, shop for groceries, do more than tread water.
Now, thank goodness, and due to a lot of hard work I don't suffer too long with the really bad times. Not like before. It is disruptive, this slow long drawn out process of recovery, I need to keep trying. Some battles are lifelong. Things will never be as I had hoped with a lot of people in my life. We've decided to keep with them and I have to kill a part of myself to stick to that decision, but hey, we are, overall moving forward.
I'm doing right by Jaan, that much is certain.
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