OK so despite pissing about with too much sugar and lactose since bootcamp started, I have lost some inches - on the waist and limbs mainly. Weight has gone up a tiny bit, which is neither here nor there, it's been oscillating around the 90kg mark for some time - plateau, hence the Bootcamp-motivation in the first place.

Remember, I have new drugs now, which aid weight GAIN not loss, and that was also motivation to join bootcamp. I can sleep now with the drugs, which helps, but groggyness does not aid sensible food chosing. Makes it hard.

I am depressed, very depressed, and dealing with life with limited contact with family and friends (to a lesser extent) and trying to come to terms with the BPD diagnosis and the fact that Jaan is now old enough to go to pre-school and the childminder, in fact he has had to go to the childminder because I have been to depressed to cope. I also managed to start the year by letting down all my loved ones very badly, and letting myself down too, and the WI ladies. Looks like my last remaining dream, the childminding career is over before it's begun - mental health issues mean it's less likely than ever that they will say yes. I have it bad (and it ain't good).

So Bootcamp, the point of doing it, my goals etc are:

1. Fitness so I can overcome the distance between me and Jaan, we can run and play etc and I can keep up, walk him to school etc. If I can't walk then it's over :( Someone else will have to take him, and that will suck. I hardly see him now as it is, compared to before.


2. Counter the side effects of the drugs. I DO need them to control my moods, and they ARE helping there and helping me sleep, BUT - groggyness, extra cravings etc etc can have a lousy effect on my eating, and in any case these pills are not magic, they don't take it all away, or indeed have any impact at all on anyone else around me - they can still hurt me when I am at my lowest and attack everything I am, through carelessness, lack of understanding or some misguided understanding of mental health issues or CBT, or me, or BPD or whatever. Maybe some of them don't care how they hurt me, maybe some of them have just had enough and want to give me a little knock, maybe they reckon I'll snap out of it.

3. Lose weight: to look better, live longer, live better, have less bulk to cart around, gain self confidence - by looking different as well as by achieving, control the PCOS better, the Insulin Resistance better, the depression better. Have more choices in life as I won't have the dangerous weight on me. People will leave me the hell alone about my weight and food if I lose weight, and I know how dumb the new approval sounds when I do lose weight, I don't have to care about it, right? I have my own reasons to do it, and if no one can see I'm pretty cool with or without the weight, their f-ing loss actually. My real, friends and my son see ME, Iain still loves me, whatever his feelings are about the many 'me's I seem to be. He's not leaving Fat-Me any more than he is leaving Sad-Me, Harpy-Me, Fishwife-Me or Greedy-Biscuit-Eating-Blackmail-Artist-Me. He even drives Bootcamp-Princess-Me early in the morning when needs must. He obviously likes me. Cathy, Debs, Jules and Chris do too - my friends. The people who really know me see how I try, why I'm going to Bootcamp, and are cheering me on. That matters to me. The weight, the misery, the bad stuff - that is all just stuff and doesn't cloud what they see as Me, ever. It's like a leg in a cast, or an essay I need to write or something. Important, time consuming, hard work, but nothing to do with our friendship. Part of our relationship and interaction, but not a huge ugly deal. Not Sad-Face, not Fake-Happy-Face-Oh-PreSSURE.

4. Get to a point where I can have new challenges, cool ones. Climb again, run races, swim. See the world, like, literally, not all of it, just bits will do, even just nearby bits. Wales maybe, at the outside. Italy perhaps - far enough :) Maybe actually looking at a mountain or a field will let me see something other than the bleakness of reality, of life.



Concrete goals? Might be fun ... Darwin-style wishful thinking, maybe, I haven't done a list like this since I was a kid, lets see:


This summer - run race for life, do the Zest challenge. Stick with Bootcamp, aim to need a new dress for Chris&Rachel's wedding as am a new dress size.
Driving test.

This Autumn - Woods with Jaan, be taking him to school and outings. Be able to drive as I passed my test. Save for Christmas and get Jaan involved in planning it.

Winter/Spring - fit enough to plan more challenging challenges.



This is ridiculous ...... it's not working at all. Stupid list. Ludicrous. Am disgusted with myself and my complete lack of imagination.