I do spend a lot of time and energy working on preventing hurt from touching him, or mostly, minimising how much hurt a hurt can cause him.
However, I don't keep saying 'dont do that, slow down' etc etc. I actually think the world is a horrifying, perilous, dark place - but I don't believe I can shield him from it, or myself for that matter. As far as I can tell, a wide range of skills and practice of such skills is the only hope (for example having the wit to scream for help when in danger, not freezing up and remembering to call 999 or remembering to run, quick reflexes, good first aid skills .. the nous to take a deep breath and work through the fear ...). It's tough working that into mummyhood .... My kid's a toddler.
By nature he's a cautious chap, very much into assessing risks, more than happy to play within his safety and comfort zone, which I am sure makes my approach easier. The key was getting to know his propensities and working with them. I find it far easier to work the 'this isn't such a good idea now, is it?' into the situation once we have come to the inevitable problem. For example - leaving the house alone, with no pants on. I'm not sure if I am lazy mummy, good mummy, or terrible mummy in this story:
The other day, he actually decided to open the front door and walk out, in a t-shirt, no pants, nappy, trousers, socks - nothing, just flip flops, to 'go to the park'. Being Jaan, he made sure I knew his plans, and I didn't think he'd do it, but I kept an eye out, and sneakily put the door on the latch and made sure the back door was open so we would not get locked out if it all got out of hand. I kept telling him going to the park is a great idea, we'll go as soon as our friends (who were getting ready to leave) went home. I (wo)manfully resisted freaking out. Contrary to my experiences with him in the past, Jaan gleefully made his way out, rejoicing in being out on the steps, really pleased at how he could step on to the pavement - with Mummy still inside the house (ok, I was on the inside bit of the same steps ... I am not crazy, I can't let him out on his own!). He chose which way he wanted to go, kept inviting me to come too, and was having a whale of a time. I was on the pavement too by then. I watched him as I continued to chat about how we'd go to the park, I just need to say bye bye to our friends, get him some trousers in case he gets cold etc. Light chatter, I was very interested in this scary new independence he was showing me. He was very careful on the pavement, and kept telling me he wants me to stay off the road as if I get on the road a car could squash me "like plasticine, like dough, like mud, Mummy, really flat".
Ok, that was reassuring, if gruesome.
Buoyed by his success so far he of course, then went too far, and skipped off towards the field that leads to the park (ok, he picked the safest route ... still ... he's not 3 yet, and this should be nipped in the bud!)
I stayed near the house and called him back, being all no-nonsense and 'You come back now, not on your own, I've already said we will go to the park.' etc. Mummy voice and all. Counted 1 2 3 and everything. Yet on he skipped. I had to follow.
I decided to take a gamble. Said, "Jaan, you want to go out on your own do you? Well, if I stand by the house, you can play in the grassy bit with the tree there, you can cross the road and play there. I'll be here." This bit of negotiation was hopelessly misplaced - he could not comprehend crossing the road unescorted, he failed to grasp the faith and trust I was trying to demonstrate in my own big gesture - apeing his defiant strut down the pavement sans nappy pants.
Silly me.
He of course has very poor negotiation skills, so he just carried on to the field, me calling him and calling him. He made it into the field, I watched from my pavement, he kept going till he was behind the bushes. I panicked, wanted to run into the field and pick him up, drag him home and hide with him under the duvet, and make my friend stay too, and join us in there (she was days away from giving birth at that point!!). I started walking to the field, telling him it's enough, time to stop, he's doing naughties now, and really needs to be doing goodies instead ... at the same time, I could see he didn't much like only being able to hear me and not see me and he was edging back to where I was, trying to save face by saying he was tired and its too hard to walk so far .... That was all I needed to hear! I swooped in and finally he was back in my arms (where he really should spend every moment of his life, I sometimes think) and I was chattering much more comfortably, saying what an adventure he had just had, and how clever he was to be so careful on the pavement, and isn't he cold with no nappy or pants?, wouldn't the dinosaur shoes have been better in the grass? And we were kissing and giggling, and I told him that now that he has a new bunch of naughties to do, I'll have to lock the door every time, even when guests are leaving the house ....
He's not done it or even tried to do it again.
But developmentally, I get an awful lot of THIS these days -
I keep trying to remember not to think of him as an adult (a short one) as he is not, and so I'm not to have grown up expectations of him. I don't see any evidence he is some caveman or wild man either. He's definitely a person, a whole person, who wants and tries and longs for stuff and fears, has pride, anger, rage, frustration, affection, love and every kind and gentle feeling too - he just has a lot, a LOT of experience to gather. I just get to be along side him for a few years while he gains some. My time will be over soon, far too soon.
I hope I do him more good than harm.
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