Horrible goings on in the big cities just now. I'm not too keen on watching footage of the violence, a few pictures on the Guardian website was enough, looks so much like a blockbuster movie, the police in their 'new' outfits ... (new compared to 30 years ago). Oh dear. People sure know how to let the side down. I'm not sure whose 'side' looters and people doing criminal damage are .. .. but presumably they have self-righteousness somewhere in their minds. I understand the desperation and anger when life has suddenly become so hard, so 'members only' and I'm not even on the list ... How much more anger must there be for people closer to constant reminders ...
I don't know a lot about economics, I see shopfronts, people paying for goods and services, people paying taxes, and taxes on their fuel and shopping, I see people going to work, spending and saving, mending and making do, buying new stuff they have waited for and planned for, sharing what they have. The numbers on screens and in big business deals aren't the same sort of money, right? Not like we need to pay exactly such and such for our TV licence every year, right? The Big Money is, I always think, kind of imaginary, theoretical, or like i in maths ... Somehow, big-game Monopoly games happen across the world, and the participating players are the world's best trained and most experienced champions at playing it. They aren't devils either, Debs' Chris and Asif Bhai and who knows, countless others who I know are decent chaps and chapesses do a lot of hard work to keep money machines in top gear, to make money for our futures, to make sure businesses can get loans, the government can do what needs to be done and so on and so on, not to mention they try and just make money too, not lose it. Sigh .... and still somehow whatever it is that has gone wrong, it's messed up my monthly Ocado bill, and has sent us to Asda on more than one occasion LOL, no seriously, joking and flippant comments aside, it's not that laughable ..... it has given us many sleepless nights. We have to leave our home as soon as we can sell it, we have to live somewhere too small for us from now on, perhaps lose our cat. It's not funny. It won't be funny when even after all the sacrifices, I'm still struggling to feed us well, and Iain still has to worry about how much I am spending, how much his fuel costs. Somehow, someone's roll of the dice (lot's of peoples' really) means I'm poorer than ever, Iain has puffy bags under his eyes - not caused just by Jaan! - and it turns out lots of people now riot and loot? How can that be. Seems nonsensical.
I realise the disaffection is the bubbling under the surface stuff, this time the catalyst was shocking police behaviour, not just the killing, but the status quo that made such a killing something that was all too easily done. Shaming really. I do tend to stick up for our system of governance and law-keeping generally but I feel confused and a little sick nowadays. My depressed self screams 'Deluded AGAIN I am the biggest fool' .... and less self-obsessedly, I think how will this change, what can I do?
What do people do in such times? Not marching and rioting - that sort of thing is beyond me logistically and tempermentally. I lack the stamina and am too agoraphobic to take to the streets. On tv, whether personal or widely political, characters affected by distressing events often clean compulsively. I don't, but I thought I'd try it a little today - mopped the downstairs floors. Jaan of course said 'what's that smell?' - never having smelled Flash Power Mop fluid before (eeeps ... I've mainly been hoovering the kitchen or spray-and-wiping with kitchen paper, or mopping with a normal mop and fairy or flash spray .... only done heavy duty when Jaan is out ....). Is it rubbish that he has never seen me do hardcore chemical cleaning a' la Flash Power Mop? (bought in pre-recession days .... and even then I was cross at the expence, and at Iain for buying it AND a new Brita filter system - he only went out to buy one cartridge). Since then the Power Mop fluid went off the market inexplicably and now it's available again - will this mean I will mop and mop?
Will mopping make things better anyway?
I have to say, it did nothing for my mood, not better or worse. It was a curious and mildly strenuous activity, not a lengthy one, we have little floor-space (lots of carpet). I cannot see the charm in constant cleaning, the product scents alone are gross, let alone the proximity to dirt and the taking-responsibility of said dirt and stains, yeuch. However I have been wondering - should a neater, tidier home be Something To Do at the moment? People are cleaning up after the riots and feeling great fellowship with each other, reclaiming their city today. Cathartic, I know. I understand the need to act. To DO something to make things better, to dig out from the hole.
I can't work yet, I have officially withdrawn my Ofsted application, and cannot register as a nanny in the meantime either, although I can work as a nanny or babysitter. Sucks though as people need me registered to pay me with childcare vouchers. Jaan starts Buttercups kindergarten next month and it is futile to pay for Steiner if he's not getting equivalent input from me, so full-time work is out, I suspect part-time work would be a logistical nightmare right now - will our house get sold? Where am I to live? What am I to do? Will I be driving next month? My problems seem huge now that I am looking at it as Family-Eye-View, and they were big enough problems when I slanty-eye-balled just the issues in my traumatised mind .... when I could not see beyond the inside of me.
I can be a little less self centred now and can think about Iain and the family income a little - a sure sign I am better, the depression has eased and lifted - but am at a loss as to how I can be anything other than a catastrophic drain. Perhaps a nice clean house could be construed as a contribution?
How will that help the country, the world? I don't know, but I'll do what I do when I am so depressed and powerless that I have to hide within myself - I will do the tread-water-and prepare : Get stuff ready and in place so as soon as more is possible, we can get set go.
It's how I've managed to get all those degrees, get married, have a son against tough odds, and survive and thrive through 3 years of post natal depression, it is how I have done all that amd managed to sustain a few good relationships despite the Borderline Personality Disorder.
Tread-water-and prepare stuff. Whether things look down or up next, it will be a good thing you did.
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