Long time no update ....

We've been chugging along, I've been getting things done and with a lot of help and working on coming back from the dark places as quickly as I can. Depression has a life of its own though, I come to some sort of an understanding with one lot of distress and then it re-manifests.

It's like a really chronic chest infection! 

Jaan is lovely, he's enjoying life, rolling over, eating a lot and starting to teeth in earnest. 

Iain is doing ok, he's getting plenty of work done now that he doesn't have to be at home with me all the time.

My parents have been hanging out with me & Jaan, which is so lovely, and I've had messages from my brother, conversations with him, and Skype sessions with my sister and nephew & niece. I know now I need us to be the 5 of us in the background, so that Iain Jaan and I can be the 3 of us, the main story ..... Dunno if its a transition thing or if having my old family as well as my own one is something I will always need. Not just in the abstract ... for real, so I can feel and smell and hear it. KWIM? 

I've had some really good times with my gorgeous cousin Areeba (& Nick who is the sweetest - reminds me of Iain), and our friends Mostyn & Jules (Jaan's Godparents) and our other friends Paula & Stu (Jaan's Fairyparents!). I like visiting them a lot. Jaan is so comfortable with them, and so am I. Iain has a lovely time, the food is always awesome. They love Jaan, and I love that. Jaan is so amazing, and I love being with him and being his Mummy. Am glad I have people to share him with. Dunno where I would be otherwise.

Sometimes I just want to walk off and keep walking, but I could never let Iain go through the realisation that I have gone, let alone cause Jaan to ever realise that I could leave him. I can't do that to them. I have to find a way out of this pit. 

It's not that I haven't bonded with Jaan, most of the time we are totally bonded. It's so many other things, and I am so stuck still in the horror that was his birth. That night and that day, and all the nights and days that followed. It's hard to do anything with the weight of all that pain crushing me. 

Jaan's not the problem, far from it. 

We've had some really fun times recently - on Saturday we were at Jaan's cousin Aarian's 6th birthday party. It was great fun, and Jaan had a good time watching all the kids. He had a little hat too! Anika makes a real effort and her parties are really lovely with the great food and the decorations and stuff. The kids there were so sweet too. Had nice chats with a few little ones. I like stuff like that. Nice friends they've got too. 

My mother in law is here now too, visiting. It's good. Like having her around. 

So I keep making plans - with family, with the Ladies here in Royston (the other new mums). They are coming over on Thursday and we're having a Body Shop party. Coolio. I've got us a monday morning slot exercising on the Heath with Elle Hale (she's so great). I felt so good after today's session. Sonia, one of the other mums has 2 Wednesday activities planned for us too for the next 2 weeks so we're really gonna have fun and build ourselves a nice little network. 

Life's for living and I really want to live mine, it looks so good on paper.