Mothering Sunday

This morning there was a lovely card waiting for me, from Jaan. After I fed him, when I turned I saw there were some lovely daffodils by the bed. Everywhere I looked there was something lovely - the flowers, the card, Jaan snuggling next to me, settling into his morning nap, Iain trying to lounge somehow on the bed despite the mountain of duvet, baby, card and me - he's been up a long while and is dressed, the lounging is for my benefit I believe, and because he wants to be part of my mothers day moment. He is a big part of it, of course.

I've waited a long time to be a mother on mothering sunday. 

I never imagined what a mothers day would be like .... never did that, but I did often imagine my child, wonder how he or she would be. I would imagine doing things with my son, with my daughter, thinking through the different ideas that would come to mind. When I would imagine a son - his face was not Jaan's, he did not look so much like me, he looked more like Iain with a bit of me ... but Jaan behaves and is like the baby in my dreams. It's as if I have already spent years getting to know him .... Sounds silly, doesn't it. Bet most people think its silly, I know some of you will understand though :) 

So, Jaan, I know that you love me, think I'm funny, and pretty and lovely, and fun. I know you trust me and rely on me and want me to enjoy my day - you try and entertain me, I see you! What can I say, the moments in the day when my heart is not heavy (like a soaking wet duvet for example) are the moments I am playing with you, and you are laughing and laughing. I laugh too - the exaggerated playtime-with-Jaan laugh and I am so sorry babe that I can't summon up actual mirth at that sort of amplitude. If I could do it, I would, but I can't. That's the deal with this post natal depression trauma wotsit thing. I want you to know that the laughter I make up to entertain you and to communicate to you my participation in the Mummy-Baby fun-time, is possible because deep inside I am feeling happy to share that moment with you, happy to know I have shown you something you like, fed you food you like - taken care of you such that you are free to laugh like that. I am happy inside, deep inside - it's just that there is so much sadness and anger and anxiety crowded all over that happiness, and the happiness is diminished. 

Sometimes of course, we can't even have that, and I'm sorry you can't have that on tap. The reality of our lives, Jaan, is that I can't give you all the love and attention I'd like to. What I do is the thing I believe is the most important thing I can do for you - I had to compromise and use what strength I have for a limited, revised set of mothering acts, after your birth. I remember who you are, and what you need most, and I treat you with respect. It's very hard, as I am fighting against so many conflicting influences. My own memories, my learnt knowledge of how mothers behave in the two societies I have lived in, the pressure from the official sources of advice, seeing things that happen to other mothers and babies around me, your medical tests and such, the burden of misery - the desire to run away, walk away, hide, die, somehow escape and disintegrate is so strong such a lot of the time, and the hardest thing in the world is to not do that, to ask for help instead, and find some way to get some rest, eat some food, drink something and so then succeed in producing milk for you, succeed in being able to hold you, change your nappy, feed you, play with you, help you 'stand', take you out. I don't want to do these things just for you, I want to do them with you. 

If I could only stretch myself a bit more I'd have a lovely evening routine for you with a game, food, Night Garden, a bath and cuddle with your Daddy, a story and nice music as you go to bed, and I would comfort you till you fell asleep. Then I would go and sterilise your bottles and dummies, and get your breakfast out of the freezer, and settle down for the evening, enjoying some time with Iain before we all go to bed. All this would be after we had done stuff in the day, you and me, with the other mums and babies maybe, or with one of your grandmothers. It's not that complicated is it, what I want for us? I would read to you, show you things all day because I would be doing things all day - just ordinary things, laundry and cooking and chores. Does it seem strange to you that I could not even do this much right now? Yes Jaan-in-the-future, it is sad that I was such a mess when you were little, just know that I had hope for the future, even when things were bad. Just know that I never stopped trying, I was still the person you know and love in the future .... It is just taking me a long time to get to where I'd like to be. x