11pm, 14 Feb
Can't sleep, despite Zopiclone and Quetiapine. Feel cross that I have to push off into action-mode, possibly hyper/manic mode - am not sure how to describe it. Wish I could biff Iain out of the way, being indecisive and innefectual after 3 years of ignoring every decision that is coming back to bite us in the nose now ... that kind of S%$@ is just making me feel worse. Of course whatever I say or do now is what BPD-Girl is saying or doing, no one's going to take me seriously now, are they? If they did, who would they look forlornly at, who would they tut-tut about?
Shheesh. Bad enough for me, but Jaan .. .. ..
Enough. It's too late for me, but not for him. I'm not going to let what happened to me happen to him, not the exact same thing. He could still end up suffering from some variation of what I struggle with, but dammit, I'm not going to give him my life, knowingly.
Iain can piss off if he thinks I'm letting Jaan just melt away into whatever ad-hoc crappy existence can be cobbled together at this late stage, instantly.
Instant custard, instant gravy .... does no one understand why that stuff's around, and when it's appropriate to wheel that stuff out and when it's not? Personally I use Bisto powder or whatever when I can't be bothered making gravy, when I don't give a s%$@, and at that point, it's wholly appropriate to wheel out the Bisto ... in a jug if its lots of us, or a mug if it's just us two .... thick as we like, makes the meal better (probably Birds Eye anyway by that point ...).
My heart hurts and hurts when I think of how long I've been braying on like some sort of nag, some sort of bore about Jaan's schooling, his options, the costs, the logistics - always being so careful, so tippy-toey careful not to nag every day, not to snipe any more than I can help ... to save it for family meetings about Jaan's schooling, to go to school stuff alone or with someone else, to choose nice ways for Iain to join in ... I'd cry if I had any tears left.
I didn't cry and scream and throw shoes at everyone did I? I still won't, will I. The pain will just throb and throb. Big lump in the throat.
But Jaan ... ... there doesn't really appear to be a plan as to where he'll go, or how we'll pay for anything ad hoc and 'for the next few weeks'. Now I for one am not waiting for the Golden Age that may or may not appear at the end of 'the next few weeks' - what, when the Mental Health Team for Peterborough and Cambridge make contact again? Yeah, ok. With their magic wand I presume, and in a 'few weeks' ... er, yeah, right. At that point perhaps the line 'we're just in limbo right now, I really expected more ((sadface)) I guess I was wrong' might well make another appearance on more than one face.
I for one am expecting nothing but more grief from the MH team, I expect the drugs to go so far and then mysteriously come to a standstill with no one prepared or able to take responsibility, and I expect people's patience with respect to the process has to be wearing thin already. Best I act on my own, I'll know where I am then, and that's what Jaan needs, consistency, caring and someone putting him first. Before fear, before pain, before self-indulgence and selfishness.
My plan's not great, but I've organised Sky - we'll have more cartoons soon. Mickey and me, and Jaan. How about that? And painting, glueing, storytelling and trips to the childrens centre. It won't kill me, not physically. It's too late for the finer points of my mind :)
No one outside the circle I choose. That's my plan. If I keep Himself and him near, and not let anyone I don't trust in, it's hardly a genius plan, but it's free (Himself can hang on to his hair and we won't have to move), Jaan will be happy and secure as I won't be losing it because of who he is with, and I won't have anything to undo .... I must force myself to take Jaan out and keep people out of my hair so I can get on with it ... and not stop, not for a day, not ever .... thereby providing consistency. Am starting to think bedtime needs to be taken care of, fannying about is not helping Jaan.
Look, if something was going to kill me I'd be dead by now. I think we know I'm stuck here. Iain is asleep, and so is Jaan. That's how it's always been, and seemingly we have to go back to what we know, what I've done so far. How can I say it's worked? But you know, I asked for help at the start, and kept asking, and actually, I just need to watch my son. There is no school place for him right now (guess why) and there is no one about to get him about for free, or a fee we are prepared to pay. I can't face being pushed about any more, I need all the skin I have to get Jaan a life.
Christ.
Night time, 8:30 or so, night 3 (feb 14)
Feel pretty rough. Flatline miserable rough.
Could hear husband getting offspring to bed. Was hard. I'm surely no competent judge ... I mean its my parenting that's under fire these days, right? Me with my crazy head and mood swings ... but offspring was crying out for structure, for winding down... it's already so late. Not sure what's been going on. Well, husband got him off to bed eventually, after counting 1 2 3 a number of times with seemingly no consequences when offspring just pissed about. To my credit, I didn't jump up (lumber out pf bed) and meddlle with whatever dynamic they have going on, didn't try and make husband feel like a shit by saying cross things about his parenting. However, I did get more and more wound up, more and more upset and filled with self loathing as the minutes ticked by.
I really don't want to spread the misery about, to make husband feel bad, he must be under a lot of strain. Whether he has got himself enough support or not is neither here nor there. Bottom line is, we're a team, right? And I'm the one who broke the deal by losing it, I won't bring him down too - not when I don't know if the things I think are being done badly are even actually being done badly. What do I really know, anyway, I'm the one with the thoughts that have labels from a textbook.
with I could turn myself off, like one of Jaan's toys. Sleep mode. standby mode. red light on, LED.
Feb 14 - Day 3 of the new drug regime
So I pretty much slept through Day 1, and Day 2 I was way more alert - Iain didn't give me any Zopiclone the night before so I slept badly BUT was alert and awake. Reminded him weaning of the Zoppycloppy s l o w l y does not mean cold turkey so he left it up to me last night and YESSS I slept properly. No nightmares. The dodgy dreams from the first 2 nights were not pleasant, but I would not call them traumatic either.
So far, result! The Quetiapine appears to have put a lid on the bad thoughts, I can't access them easily (part of my mind must be shut off I suppose) - to be honest, I don't care, all I care about is feeling better, which I do. Long may it continue.
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