Insomnia's not new to me, I've had it on and off all my life. Telling myself elaborate, repetitive, sensational stories since I was a little girl has been my main tool against it. Over the years I've learnt breathing techniques at yoga class, relaxation stuff from the doctors and psychologists, and as a mother I learnt a lot about winding down, using aromatherapy and herbal tea, touch, music, sleeping with my family etc etc. Jaan's birth was the worst thing that has ever happened to me (in a long line of abbysmal things that have happened to me) - and the terrors since that day, those weeks, plagued me incessantly once I was home with Jaan. Breastfeeding for as long as I could, taking something to help me sleep was not an option - I am sure there are options out there, but every care provider and carer about me kind of just looked at me as if I was evil to want the aid, and selfish or misguided to persist in breastfeeding - it's useless after 6 month don't you know - that's what the doctors kept saying, also 'I am prepared to help you, but after you stop breastfeeding. You can ask your GP to refer you then'. Iain did care, and pitied me in my misery, but, characteristically, that was all.
Luckily for Jaan, I am not a moron, and I knew what to do. It killed me, but I lived in that pit of despair, and nursed my son when he was hungry, nursed him more when he was sick, held him as he slept if he needed it, let him sleep by himself if that was what he wanted. Bottle fed him when I wanted, breast-fed when he wanted, tried any number of combinations of sleeping, climbing, crawling, nursing, eating, playing, singing - I pitied my predicament really self-indulgently, of course. Love is all very well, but what happens when those who love you are still made of mud, without any metaphorical spirit from the metaphorical Gods awakening them in any meaningful way? I scorn the mud-people. I am alive.
Baby is 3 now. I've had reliable pharmaceutical assistance to sleep for less than a year I guess, sporadic a-bit-too-strong help for a bit longer. Amazingly, the concept that I could live with some decency and dignity with a bit of help - medical, pharmaceutical, social or otherwise - is pretty alien to most of the health care teams who care for me. Apparantly I should be happy enough that I've kept the little squirt alive all this time. (Sigh.) Being a slightly more ambitious parent, I've been working my butt off learning whatever I can from my actually-very-good current team of mental health professionals, and my very nice to work with GP. I reckon it's time to get off the Quetiapine. I've not used the prn for months and months. I only use the night dose to sleep 5 hours uninterrupted. I manage 4 hours just about, with small interruptions, if I don't take the Quetiapine. Less drugs mean less lactose in my system. No Quetiapine means I am not groggs all day. Dignity, quality of life, see what I mean?
One of the big changes foisted upon me in my years of darkest vulnerability has, of course, been The Driving. 'Nuff said, of course, but the last possible test with the existing Theory Test Pass Certificate is coming up, and I reckon being free of the groggy-making drugs is in order for that. I'm seeing the GP to share my experimental results with him - seems I have the skills to get to sleep without, and the Quetiapine could just stay prn including sleep-making prn as far as I'm concerned.
The real shocker though, is that I now know why Baby doesn't ever want to go home, go to sleep, or be by himself to sleep. I'm not sure how conscious he is of it, but he has nightmares - like I did. He can be eased and aided fighting his demons, just as I have always been able to be. The difference of course is now I know, and I will be there for him.
Iain knows about my nightmares, he can even help me out of them, and does when he spots them.
How long have I been out of it, how long has Jaan been living with this? I remember mine at his age, they weren't every night.
Iain must have known.
In the interests of self-preservation alone he should have dealt with this, raised it - we have so much social care hanging around us!!! Why hide this? Boggles the mind. How can he sleep with all the disturbances, and if he can't sleep, how does he drive, work, carry on with housework? You know the thing about putting your gasmask on before the kid's, because you gotta save the kid? Like, duh, why risk life, limb, marriage and everything for the sake of being a mud-man untouched by the frailty and injustice of humanity?
I don't see the point of living apart from one's own humanity in any case.
I feel sick if I think about it, so I'm just spitting it out of my body right now. Night terrors. It does need to end with me, this kind of heredity brought on by thoughtless, heartless apathy. The sins of the mother in this case .... Jaan might be able to escape some of the cursed afflictions, who knows? Won't find out without a bit of action though will we? It breaks my heart to be so alone in this quest, I refuse to feel guilty about taking the Quetiapine for so long. I talked about the nightmares I did know about, I asked how the nights were going. This was a regular update kind of thing. Now no more Quetiapine, except when it's really warranted. No more giving in to Jaan being put away from me. I'm not convinced any of the BS that's been going down has helped Jaan - he's a lovely kid, fun and friendly and creative, but his insecurities aren't exactly going away, and he's jumped on my gut really hard a few times of late.
Time to insist on the co-sleeping again.
Iain must have known, but he didn't tell me, probably didn't tell himself. Not, like, on purpose or to be harsh or anything. But he just stood by all that night and day, remember? He always will. He's just turned 39, he's not changing anytime now. If he was a changing kind of guy maybe he'd still not be set, but he's not budged in 4 years - he never said a word, and I'd asked him to watch out for nightmares because I noticed some problems over the last year. I swear I just speak to the wind mostly, and look like a fool to pretty much everyone about. Wish I could be somewhere where I wasn't the freak ....
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