say What?

so, how did this even come about, I can't quite believe it, major drama on a simple weekend away ..

We're in Bristol. The land where Iain went to uni. So far so good - I looked on the www. I booked a nice hotel - late check out on sunday, 2 rosettes for the chef etc etc yadda yadda. Itenerary - me & baby J do the hotel room-service and dvd thing, Eeez parties on each night with mates. Good plan.

So we get there. I have chosen an awesome hotel. Seriously, Mint Hotels gets my endorsement, big time. Mummys amongst you might know that all nice hotels aint that hot when it comes to small people. Yeah they may have things going  on for the kids, but are not always actually flexibla, understanding and helpful all the time .. .. and these people have been lovely. Mummy can't have milk and er ... tomatoes, they all make her sick - without skipping a beat everyone from room-service-phone-answerer to chef just produce with DELIGHT and professionalism, meals that are as lovely as the advertised food. Everyone has behaved as if it's nice that I have food probs. My kid won't eat cooked stuff - no issues at all, everyone has actually made me believe all weekend that this is perfectly normal and bowls and bowls of individual raw items come and go on and off the table, floor and chairs .... I kid u not, this is better than butlins!

So we go out. Baby & me for pre-drinks and daytime fun with the gaggle of friends. We feel happy and comfortable. Bristol is a bit like nice bits of London, but not as dirty or as crowded and with a design aesthaetic - at least the very small 2 square mile we are roaming around in is like that. Iain is partying each night with the crowd and loving it, and this second night, at the last minute, we swap - Iain goes home with Jaan - to the hotel I mean, and I go out with the friends - big group. Ok, they're not really my mates, but I know some of them.

I very quickly get separated and lost. However I have 3 years training in keeping calm in the event of a child choking or getting meningitis etc. I am now good in a crisis. Within half an hour, tagging along with people I recognise as being part of the big group ... I find my way into the club. It is very nice to be partying with folk.

So it goes on. Beautiful young folk. I realise I am not that old.

I am protective over another young mum who is uncomfortable in herself, but lovely on the outside, and keeps getting hit on, we are more interested in talking to each other than the blokes who think we are so fit.

That is how life should be I guess.

Eventually I am having a nice even time with my crew. Quite pleased to be doing such a rational, normal social thing. Can't wait to tell the other mums.

Drama - who knew? One girl seems to have a very bleeding bloody foot. She pulls out a chunk of glass and I put it on the table, I am in Mother mode and am calm, finding out if she is ok, does she want ambulance or wants me to look. I know my friend has gone to tell the bouncer to get first aid and ambulance. It;s ok, I know this girl, she is part of our group. We are all in the cloakroom soon with 2 bouncers and more staff on the outside corridor,  talking and helping, getting stuff we need  and it's all happening. I am fine, I am helpful and useful. It's all ok. Of course, she has sickle cell anaemia doesn't she, and that explains a lot. I have a lot of blood on my clothes and on me. The bouncer with me is the First Aider, and I have my training of course, she is in safe hands and it's ok, the paramedics are on the phone, and then they are there. We have stopped the bleeding which is an achievement. The paramedics are there. I stand up and try to calm down, sober up, not be in the way. What do I do, silly mare, I appear to have fainted, as one moment I am texting Iain and the next I am on the floor and being comforted by the injured girl, how mortifying!!!!

Anyway, I get myself out of there and find people I know and trust, get someone to get me water, sober up and chill out enough to tell my friends I want an escort and to go back to the hotel so sober Iain can Go and help the friends if they need it, and we achieve this pretty soon. I am writing this now, partly glad I don't lose my marbles when shit happens, very glad I know Iain will do what I am too whacked out to be able to do, and glad I am still me.

Perhaps it is time to let go of some of the bad stuff. Jaan's birth was hellish. Some parts of tonight could be seen in a similar night, but it was completely manageable. There was help, we knew how to get it. I am certainly not an idiot and did what was needed - I was not a drunken so and so, it was the situation that demanded help that was more sober than I, sobriety is nut just an alcohol thing you know :)

I'm not saying others could not do better. I am shaken and a little sick and scared because it is possible to go into a what-if-what-if mindset. The facts are, it was a scary thing, I was not scared, I did my best, I failed at a point, I sorted it as well as I could, it is all in hand, I have sent what I have to help my new friends, I even sent my best one, my Eee, as he can help there more than any help he can give selfish me, who is longing for his comforting presence right now.

I must sleep, and feel better. Nothing is lost, no one is very hurt, all will be well. With luck and goodwill, my Eee will be back here safe and sound soon.

Am shaken, this was a big night for me - going out, nightclub and all, in my woollen tights and woolen plaid skirt. I was expecting a half hour with the crowds, parade my kid about, go back to hotel, and it had taken weeks to mentally prepare myself for THAT.

I am still me, and I can do a lot more than I have led myself to and let myself believe.