So, this kid bit my son, and drew blood, much to nobody's horror until I worked out what had happened, Sadface, very sadface

Number 1. 
I don't want to focus, but here's a George Washington style mini-effort -

Number 2.
Ee wont talk to me, not chat, not about anything original and important. I cease to exist with regularity

Number 3.
I know how to run away. I have realised though that it would involve such a lot of premeditation ... that is cruel.

So far so sad, what a bummer my life can be. (Whine, whine ad nauseam, although please bear in mind, actually, I am in great mental anguish over this, whining is unfortunate, but I am only human.)

Number 4.
my dog keeps running away, escaping, whatever. Oh the many levels of self-loathing, humiliation, mortification, and insecurity that engenders. I am a total loser and even my dog prefers the streets where F-all happens to being with me, or eating the food I lovingly set out for him. Hmmmm .... oh good parallels .... my kid wont eat my cooking either, excuse me while I go cry into a puddle in the sand where I can also bury my head ....

Goes without saying that the points 3 and 4 piled on each other are like a supreme Irony Knickerbocker Glory. Urgh. Kill me now.


Finally, Number 5., the big one.
Jaan's teacher did not check him over after an "incident".

Kid 1 was  making some variation of a den, when MY kid, kid 2 joined in by annihilating her den and setting his own ideas into effect ...  he is 3 and SURPRISE!! - lacked the skill to ask kid 1 if he could change it all. Wise of him - kid 1 would never have said yes - she is 3 too. Stupid of him to not set up his own den nearby INSTEAD - but then he would not want another one, he could see her one and wanted that. I can see that. Fight was inevitable. That's fine. What is not fine is that she bit him so hard he has a fairly sizable wound on his chest which he has been hiding, then protecting for days.

He eventually, after 3 days told me he thinks I will die, and there will be no one to protect him. Partly as a fascination with death project he has going on, and partly because I was not there to protect him or save him or show him how it can be ok, and neither were my proxies.

my proxies

No incident form was written and signed as far as my investigations have revealed.

Blood was drawn for chrissakes, he got hurt. No one looked. My son, my child, my baby. No one looked. Echoes of his birth anyone? I was alone with Jaan of course when Jaan shared some of this information with me plus cried in my arms about my own death and who would be his mummy then, and don't die etc. PTSD anyone?

My mum, proxy 2, appears to have done what she always does to me - focus on appearances and every fucker around but not me .... I mean, not Jaan. (Hush hush don't cause a fuss, it must be your fault it always is, you always cause trouble etc etc.) She asked him if he's ok when she collected him and the teacher told her about the (whisper) "incident". HE IS THREE I might add - he is still, after 5 days, worried about the idea that he has to be the one to sort this by explaining what happened. It is hard for him, almost impossible for him to work out what to say, or even work out what happened. Then she said, do you want to say bye (kiss and make up) with kid 1.

end of.

I am mortified (so what else is new) - WHY did I do this to him, my proxys are no good. The trust is gone, they are on a different planet to me, but I knew that surely, the incident that illuminates the whole farce to me could have been anything - ANYTHING - and could have been something very much worse - oh why did I ever embark on this line of responsibility-sharing - surely i knew it would come to this? I am a foolish, foolish fool - was I swayed by Ee? Was I cajoled by mental health workers and the health-visitor+Kayleigh tag-team? Did I think the tree hugging holistic KG set-up would guarantee Jaan himSELF would be cared for? More fool me - the reason I am upset is simple. Jaan kicks off all the time, he is sensitive - many people would say oversensitive - and other kids often get overwhelmed or non-plussed when he kicks off, goes into meltdown or whatever. What I KNOW is, that because of his meltdowns, his injury was ignored, in fact not even investigated. The cut still hurts him and he has not even had any first aid on it, and 4 days on, 5 days on, there is little I can do.

It took me so loooong to work out what had set him off kilter. The hygeine routine is Ees domain (an exercise in me relinquishing control, seeing as how everyone says i'm a Jaan-control-freak blah blah and I will be happy when I let go .... errrr .... hmmm). I'm asiduous in sticking to the agreements we make 'to help me recover'. Foolish, foolish,  careless, thoughtless me. It is easier to take my meds early in the evening so I can be alert as poss for Jaan in the morning .... so bathtime and naked chests are Ee-time revelations, and like an IDIOT I have not be giving the kid a once-over on a regular basis. His little body is so small, so vulnerable, so lacking in the second kidney, it physically aches inside me when I touch him - so yes, hands up - I DO avoid it, I DID agree to Ees input. Like I say, more fool me.


Tel me, someone, how can I recover from the ineptitude and callous disregard of my 'team'? That's not a team, that's Horace and Jasper off of 101 Dalmatians. Christ.

So what now -  do I need to rock up every day to school with him and guard him from a discreet distance?

I am overcommitted now - the puppy, friends visiting to power walk with me ... and the puppy is essential to recovery for me, and so is the walking, and recovery is what will help Jaan most, but OMG I have to find ways to wade in now and initiate my version of stealth child protection steps, it is not good enough to put him in the position he was in, nor is it ok for him to feel unsafe, scared .... he has not been himself since the incident, not because of being bitten, but because, unlike Mummy, mummy's nominated proxies did not look out for him - HIM, himself. KWIM?

I don't know how I'll cope with the criticism onslaught that is sure to avalanche once I start to redress this situation. What matters to me is Jaan, my pup, and food.

Maybe that can be a mantra. I wonder if mindfulness can help here ....