Steady the downcycle

i call it the downcycle, as opposed to up up up flying, the upcycle. I don't have an appropriate vocabulary to talk about BPD, I am improvising

I want to keep it down down

The ups are so mortifying, so painful so desperate. The rush hurts now, the blood gushing about me, and the stuff in my blood - drugs, hormones, pollutants, stimulants .... sugar ... nourishment, they swell and take up so much room and they huuuurt.

There is no release, no good when I rush. Maybe that is the word, not upcycle, but rush. The moment, each instant, each mortifying second is a rush. The whole time I am in its grip is an up up part of the cycle of ups and downs. Not the kind the average joe has, this awful urgh whoosh.

Down low downer down down high-flatline, alive-flatline is less awful. It comes with numbnitude and the pain does not jolt. It is inconspicuous or just sulky or moody to the random observer, not mortifying, horrifyingly humiliating and reputation-destroying. Being depressed, visibly, does not label one 'the crazy lady at number 35'.

what happens when I lose my rag and yell and scream and accuse and scream out my pain in many words? Is that a down bursting out in an upturn, a brief spurt of rush?