Thursday, September 29, 2016
Sunday, May 11, 2014
A year on.
Theia's birthday is coming up. A whole year since it all happened.
It took months to get her home. Then more months to teach her to breastfeed, get used to her presence, get used to the roller coaster of 4 different health visitors, the input from the children's centre worker, who segued from being there for Jaan to being there for Theia.
Recently Suz said she is relieved, she had been 'worried' about how I was with Theia. Why say that? Has my profile changed mysteriously?
The latest health visitor, one Lisa Kotey, is really keen to dig around Jaan's psyche, presuming I've messed his head up, which I don't believe I have. I'm vigilant.
My therapist Deborah Evans has taken a lead on the things that are worrying about my particular case. The seeing red, the old Nizam temper, the violence, the throw your hands up in despair, violently and throw everything away ..... that's a concern. She's interested in me working on defusing the red beast. She recognises something in me, the numenous, as in Jung. Patterns and fabric textures are where my creativity is at right now, she says, and I'm frustrated by a lack of intellectual stimuli. I guess that's why she used the terminology and jargon from Jung's work. I know next to nothing about Jung or numenous. It's to do with archetypes though and it seems my goddess cards are based on this sort of Jungian self-help. So I've been acknowledging my own numenous experiences through my goddess cards for decades, and belonging to this or that archetype or identifying with it has been part of my self - healing repertoire all this time. Using a mental library of fabrics and different textures to self-soothe is her plan. Take a deep breath and use the numinous, to bubble down to where the beast pains me, forget about the wreckage of my forebears upon which I stand as a beast, let the colours, mixtures, patterns and textures do away with the ugly beast and its ugly connotations and the impulses that lead off from it. Transform into the being that instead of being a manifestation of the red beast is bathed in the numenous, touching the transcendent glow of the other whole, the "?divine" that I am so grounded in, during good times as well as bad.
Every time the red beast takes over.
Presumably maintenance via the numenous world filled with fabrics, sewing, creating, dressmaking will be part of my treatment, my way towards the future as well, emotionally and materially. Making a go of sewing and getting good at it would be a job, a career even, one I can do till the end.
Certainly a clever plan, a useful plan. Designed to cover therapeutic needs, my need to nurture and serve, financial needs potentially, my creative needs and within the work, in itself necessary to stop me going stir crazy, I could be intellectually exploring and identifying the numenous, building on existing archetypes, considering other people's work on them, putting in place my own findings, at least in private, with always the way there to take the academic work further.
Clever, clever Deborah.
Meanwhile there are no replies to the invitations to Theia's party on the 17th. I don't understand. I do believe my parents, Aunty Shahnaz and the Brunton-Spalls are coming. Debs is celebrating with me on Wednesday as Nicksy and Jaan refuse to meet or allow the Whitehouses to attend. Rafi hasn't replied to the messages about the party so I can't invite Fi's parents either, and am at a loss as to whether Rafi & Fi are coming. I've not had a response from Katie, Paula, Chris or Amara, which makes me think I must be imagining things, I never invited anyone. I feel as if I must be out of my mind. Or else why the radio silence? Is it not May? Is the 17th not Saturday just ahead? Is it that I don't exist, or just cannot be heard?
Curiouser and curiouser.
I feel a lot of pressure regarding this event. I dread it being a ghastly failure both for my own sake, my self esteem will suffer greatly, but also because of how my parents will remark upon it, making me feel worse.
My brother's silence I cannot fathom. I bear it as it is not the worst hurt that has come from that way in recent years, but it shakes me.
Feeling worse is so unpleasant, puts me in such a low position, I'm truly threatened. My wellbeing is under siege. I have the jitters. Just beneath the surface lies my hopeless misery and grief for Nayyar Khala. Nani's death I can lay to rest, I said my goodbye in my heart many years ago, a la Dan Cryan.
My mind has no ease just now.
It took months to get her home. Then more months to teach her to breastfeed, get used to her presence, get used to the roller coaster of 4 different health visitors, the input from the children's centre worker, who segued from being there for Jaan to being there for Theia.
Recently Suz said she is relieved, she had been 'worried' about how I was with Theia. Why say that? Has my profile changed mysteriously?
The latest health visitor, one Lisa Kotey, is really keen to dig around Jaan's psyche, presuming I've messed his head up, which I don't believe I have. I'm vigilant.
My therapist Deborah Evans has taken a lead on the things that are worrying about my particular case. The seeing red, the old Nizam temper, the violence, the throw your hands up in despair, violently and throw everything away ..... that's a concern. She's interested in me working on defusing the red beast. She recognises something in me, the numenous, as in Jung. Patterns and fabric textures are where my creativity is at right now, she says, and I'm frustrated by a lack of intellectual stimuli. I guess that's why she used the terminology and jargon from Jung's work. I know next to nothing about Jung or numenous. It's to do with archetypes though and it seems my goddess cards are based on this sort of Jungian self-help. So I've been acknowledging my own numenous experiences through my goddess cards for decades, and belonging to this or that archetype or identifying with it has been part of my self - healing repertoire all this time. Using a mental library of fabrics and different textures to self-soothe is her plan. Take a deep breath and use the numinous, to bubble down to where the beast pains me, forget about the wreckage of my forebears upon which I stand as a beast, let the colours, mixtures, patterns and textures do away with the ugly beast and its ugly connotations and the impulses that lead off from it. Transform into the being that instead of being a manifestation of the red beast is bathed in the numenous, touching the transcendent glow of the other whole, the "?divine" that I am so grounded in, during good times as well as bad.
Every time the red beast takes over.
Presumably maintenance via the numenous world filled with fabrics, sewing, creating, dressmaking will be part of my treatment, my way towards the future as well, emotionally and materially. Making a go of sewing and getting good at it would be a job, a career even, one I can do till the end.
Certainly a clever plan, a useful plan. Designed to cover therapeutic needs, my need to nurture and serve, financial needs potentially, my creative needs and within the work, in itself necessary to stop me going stir crazy, I could be intellectually exploring and identifying the numenous, building on existing archetypes, considering other people's work on them, putting in place my own findings, at least in private, with always the way there to take the academic work further.
Clever, clever Deborah.
Meanwhile there are no replies to the invitations to Theia's party on the 17th. I don't understand. I do believe my parents, Aunty Shahnaz and the Brunton-Spalls are coming. Debs is celebrating with me on Wednesday as Nicksy and Jaan refuse to meet or allow the Whitehouses to attend. Rafi hasn't replied to the messages about the party so I can't invite Fi's parents either, and am at a loss as to whether Rafi & Fi are coming. I've not had a response from Katie, Paula, Chris or Amara, which makes me think I must be imagining things, I never invited anyone. I feel as if I must be out of my mind. Or else why the radio silence? Is it not May? Is the 17th not Saturday just ahead? Is it that I don't exist, or just cannot be heard?
Curiouser and curiouser.
I feel a lot of pressure regarding this event. I dread it being a ghastly failure both for my own sake, my self esteem will suffer greatly, but also because of how my parents will remark upon it, making me feel worse.
My brother's silence I cannot fathom. I bear it as it is not the worst hurt that has come from that way in recent years, but it shakes me.
Feeling worse is so unpleasant, puts me in such a low position, I'm truly threatened. My wellbeing is under siege. I have the jitters. Just beneath the surface lies my hopeless misery and grief for Nayyar Khala. Nani's death I can lay to rest, I said my goodbye in my heart many years ago, a la Dan Cryan.
My mind has no ease just now.
Friday, March 14, 2014
A Handy How-To from HealingFromBPD.org: The Nuts and Bolts of DBT Self-Soothing: Guest Post by Rachel Cooper
HealingFromBPD.org: The Nuts and Bolts of DBT Self-Soothing: Guest Post by Rachel Cooper
There's such a lot here that's so simple. Taking care of myself when the dark or paranoid ephase begins is hard .... I'm starting a bad phase after a week of steady moods and only a handful of ugly outbursts - defused and contained within 2 or 3 hours - so I'd say specially as I did no physical or lasting cruel-words damage to anyone, not even myself, I've spent since last Friday till yesterday evening pretty even, manageing the BPD pretty well.
Good time today and this weekend to try break the usual trend and self soothe my way to stability for a while longer.
There's such a lot here that's so simple. Taking care of myself when the dark or paranoid ephase begins is hard .... I'm starting a bad phase after a week of steady moods and only a handful of ugly outbursts - defused and contained within 2 or 3 hours - so I'd say specially as I did no physical or lasting cruel-words damage to anyone, not even myself, I've spent since last Friday till yesterday evening pretty even, manageing the BPD pretty well.
Good time today and this weekend to try break the usual trend and self soothe my way to stability for a while longer.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
This is well done
Check out @153Graces's Tweet: https://twitter.com/153Graces/status/422932547677331457
Friday, January 3, 2014
Alternatives to sh
Ice cubes apparently
The extra try would be salt on the ice cube
The dr suggested a rubber band to ping on my arm but it just looks and feels gross. However case workers seem to sear by this or ice till it hurts
Draw lines instead. Or song lyrics. Or words.
Cry or scream
Boxing/punch something
Take a bath ... er, thatvjyst reminds me of the bloodbath prior to Theia's delivery
Call a friend
Go to A&E talk to someone
Drink coffee
Drink a cola
Drink something
Draw
Crochet
Play plants vs zombies
Diary
Eat lactose filled food
Smoke something
Break or tear something
Walk the dog or groom him
These are healthy alternatives and healthy ways to deal with pain?
Won't stop the pain-givers continuing their crap though will it?
Friday, November 15, 2013
Sunday, October 27, 2013
the dilemma
Resumé
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Still there, still trying to breastfeed
A month and 10 days has passed. The prospect of returning home is dangled before me. But it's not to be taken as any indication I think, the whole 2 feeds a day has been proved to be no criteria at all. She's still there. The more accurate picture is that she needs to be feeding all feeds by bottle or breast, sleeping and settling after, waking for the next feed, every day, for a long time (unspecified number of days) with weight increasing, and her age needs to reach over 37 weeks, and also they have to be happy about my support network and my mental state. That's actually the criteria. There will surely be ad hoc additions there when we reach those targets as well, true to form.
Starting to think retreat, hide and keep my head down is the way to go.
Ways to but a spanner in the breastfeeding works is all over the place. Iain doesn't help me with night feeds any more, and I haven't pumped overnight in over a week. I fall asleep after a long day, specially with Jaan dragging bedtime along. I don't hear the alarm. He was helping for the first few weeks, but he's retreated now to his own routine, and I guess he has every right to. He keeps telling me he will wake me and like a fool I believe him and don't find a way to wake up without his assistance. Sounds incredibly selfish to hold him responsible to my ability to wake up. I don't mean it that way, let's be clear, I only hold him responsible for trying to wake me when he says he will, whether I get up or not is my responsibility. I am failing in that 100%
Am being told, by lots of people that I'm doing a great job etc. Nice of them.
In a wonderful dreamworld, my life and Theia's needs are met by me and my friends and family because we are all engaged in a small way with her timings and feeds, and keeping company with each other anyway, and the sideways interest is in me and her achieving what's best for her, and me. Steel Magnolias style (cynical smile).
What do I do? The baby next to Theia is going into care on monday. 8 weeks. She has a wonderful mother, who is achieving the impossible in being such an awesome mum. Her past, her childhood, sounds abominable to me. The things she had to put up with, the things done to her - she has made it through, and her daughter is so loved, so cared for, all by her. The past and her mental state is being held up as 'maybe you'll hurt her' and so it's game over, and I don't see how anyone can do this. She didn't do the abuse, she was abused. I have always been assured by the mental health people that no one believes that makes the victim become an abuser any more, but that's the assumption here. They take a history of self harm to indicate she might use the baby as a method of self harm, but that doesn't even make sense, that's not self harm. Besides, she's mastered the self harm. It's been 4 years SH free.
The implications for my own situation are stark, pretty harsh too. Further indications to hide, but not in a visible way, not physical retreat. Fastest way might be to hide behind the feeding bottles. Get shot of the audience.
hate myself. really hate myself. because it can't be Theia's fault this is happening, it's my useless body, my crap life that has put us here. Ask anyone, it won't be anything Saint Iain has done.
Icing on the cake? My parents putting plenty of energy into lecturing me and telling me to get rid of the dog. MY dog. My dad lecturing me on what a shit parent I am because Jaan doesn't get enough sleep.
Yeah, hate myself.
Starting to think retreat, hide and keep my head down is the way to go.
Ways to but a spanner in the breastfeeding works is all over the place. Iain doesn't help me with night feeds any more, and I haven't pumped overnight in over a week. I fall asleep after a long day, specially with Jaan dragging bedtime along. I don't hear the alarm. He was helping for the first few weeks, but he's retreated now to his own routine, and I guess he has every right to. He keeps telling me he will wake me and like a fool I believe him and don't find a way to wake up without his assistance. Sounds incredibly selfish to hold him responsible to my ability to wake up. I don't mean it that way, let's be clear, I only hold him responsible for trying to wake me when he says he will, whether I get up or not is my responsibility. I am failing in that 100%
Am being told, by lots of people that I'm doing a great job etc. Nice of them.
In a wonderful dreamworld, my life and Theia's needs are met by me and my friends and family because we are all engaged in a small way with her timings and feeds, and keeping company with each other anyway, and the sideways interest is in me and her achieving what's best for her, and me. Steel Magnolias style (cynical smile).
What do I do? The baby next to Theia is going into care on monday. 8 weeks. She has a wonderful mother, who is achieving the impossible in being such an awesome mum. Her past, her childhood, sounds abominable to me. The things she had to put up with, the things done to her - she has made it through, and her daughter is so loved, so cared for, all by her. The past and her mental state is being held up as 'maybe you'll hurt her' and so it's game over, and I don't see how anyone can do this. She didn't do the abuse, she was abused. I have always been assured by the mental health people that no one believes that makes the victim become an abuser any more, but that's the assumption here. They take a history of self harm to indicate she might use the baby as a method of self harm, but that doesn't even make sense, that's not self harm. Besides, she's mastered the self harm. It's been 4 years SH free.
The implications for my own situation are stark, pretty harsh too. Further indications to hide, but not in a visible way, not physical retreat. Fastest way might be to hide behind the feeding bottles. Get shot of the audience.
hate myself. really hate myself. because it can't be Theia's fault this is happening, it's my useless body, my crap life that has put us here. Ask anyone, it won't be anything Saint Iain has done.
Icing on the cake? My parents putting plenty of energy into lecturing me and telling me to get rid of the dog. MY dog. My dad lecturing me on what a shit parent I am because Jaan doesn't get enough sleep.
Yeah, hate myself.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Grumpy pregnancy
Keep remembering that nobody's going to do what I want or what I need or what I think the baby needs, whether I'm explicit about it or not, and as the BPD doesn't retreat, in fact it it intensifies in stressful scenarios like an unknown sudden pregnancy, I will probably only see things in such absolute black and white terms. The desire to sulk and retreat is strong and possibly wise. My brain can be fair and advocate being textbook 'fair' letting people do as they will but surely I'll feel put upon in any case.
Yes retreat seems to hold its appeal.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Monday, May 13, 2013
Update after a night at the Rosie
Morning. It's scary to have to be an on the ball mum soon. I'm still at the Lady Mary Annexe at the Rosie Hospital which is section of Addenbrookes, the hospital where jaan was born. He was here with me after the delivery in 2008. This new baby probs due in July in the middle of the month.
The Hospital HAVE remodelled all the units - antenatal, delivery, new Birth unit and I struggle to remember locations after recalling them in composite form many times over so its now something I use not to remember today is not "that" day. Today I am rational and managed to choose "numb" and use my mind to make useful decisions yesterday. Cant ask myself to do more, so good job.
They have given steroids to the baby by injections so that the lungs grow in case we have to get Princess Thea out early (temporary name is Theya or Taya or Theadora or Alithea) Theadora is gods gift and Alithea is healing. God obvs is best word available to me - universe, fate, fortuna, chaos, Allah, karma, reincarnation whatevs really how do I know. I only ponder when I have too much downtime.
Mischievous thought - could opt g for a few years or spelling-and-pronunciation activity by going for Theadora Alithea Midgley and thereby seal her fate as a random dyslexic... sods law.
Glad the bleed has gone. Cervix/os business all secure. (Os? Lol operating system? Surely not). Hope to go home. Miss jaan. We send video messages to each other via Iain's phone. There us winter sickness/Norovirus restrictions at the hospital still do under twelves are people to protect if poss. Was very proud that he was showing me the junk food and stickers he was enjoying. Mamma and Abba looked happy too and I know the nuts snd fruit woukd hace been off camera. 2 nights at Mums is no joke theg must all be tired and I am just happy Jaan is cheerful and knows I will be home soon.
I spent the whole night at the Rosie and apart from the first couple of hours managed to control or defuse the post traumatic stress flashbacks. This is hiw far I have come. It has been worth it. Must keep trying.
Cathy came and we walked everywhere for a bit so at night when I was alone I could walk about with my most recent memories being strong ones.
Am sniffing lavender a lot, :) It is sadly not Soma or even diazepandous in any form but I find it irresistible and calming (embalming?snigger). It's the one compulsion. Better than dodge KFC eh?
Last night used Netflix on my phone - get this, Netflix recommended Ghostbusters!!! How well they know me ... even tho only jaan uses Netflix at ours for 'max and ruby' and power rangers samurai. Trying to stay positive and on the ball. No need to think Teya won't make it at this stage. Every day she is with me is a gift I never thought to have, am honoured to have had the chance to protect her yesterday with what little we did. If nothing else I am her mum in every way this weekend, which is a good experience. She is probs asleep right now. Dr will b here soon to do rounds.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Totally Tutorials: Tutorial - How to Make Infant Scratch Mittens
Totally Tutorials: Tutorial - How to Make Infant Scratch Mittens: Aw. I remember those days. These mittens would make great baby shower gifts! Infant Scratch Mittens Tutorial at Home Sweet Homebodies &q...
Monday, May 6, 2013
The 2013 Baby
It does appear, as of Thursday the 2nd, I've found out something amazing. There's been a baby in my tum, for ages. We find out tomorrow, at a hospital scan, what flavour and age the foetus has just now.
Friday, April 12, 2013
New skills, translating to a new world?
Since I last blogged there have been deep dark BPD dips, which have not been pleasant. However I have been reading about it all less, and putting into practice the skills, tools, what-have-yous that I have been collecting over the past year. Without a guide, a therapist, a group, a focus like that it is hard to decipher what is happening to me when an episode or downcycle begins, but I do seem to know I need to tread with care once the jitters begin. The drill is now:
Jitters begin or I don't feel right, don't feel right ..
I tell Iain, he reminds me to take a panda (Lorazepam) or offers me a panda.
Crucially my new experiment is to expect no more of him past the panda. If he's not around and I remember I get my own panda. this is all quite revolutionary, this stage of the drill.
I wait it out, choose a few activities out of those lined up, a few chores, a few food items to try and eat. I back off from everything else.
I believe that in time this drill will evolve to something more complex. This way I have managed to minimise a lot of damage. The sh has been minimal or absent and outbursts have been drastically curtailed, or largely impotent implosions, best slept off.
This is, of course an improvement.
I'm pretty sure it was not a catalyst, rather a time when I got some practice in, but Nani's death feels like a line drawn under a previous time. Partly some areas of my personality, my heart, my life have shut down and are still shut since her death, and the deaths, it seems, of many people who knew me as a little one. Mostly my feelings and grief are private, even inarticulate sometimes.
The only things I am being procative with really are work and budget-keeping. I've been temping solidly since Nani died. Next booking is a month long, maybe a permanent job at the end if I do it well. I don't get to see my friends much which is sad for me, but money worries and self worth are tough things to deal with and they are big triggers. I'm working hard at making ends meet too, but I don't know if I am managing as well as I think. More time will tell. I've had to abandon WeightWatchers as I wasn't losing weight any more and I was relying on a lot of ready made/processed food and Coke Zero ... my tummy is chaotic still. I need many many bacterias I think ...
So my aims are:
stick with the same skills for a month, and work. Pay bills. The house should exchange soon. Maybe that will help ... Skip the soda, and stay off the lactose - a month is a good long time to not have lactose :) Cook the quinoa breakfast, laksa and onigiri recipes, they sounded good. Iain thought risotto balls and quinoa balls sounded good too.
When it comes to Jaan he's been coping better than expected since I have been at work so much. Jenny the babysitter and Michelle the childminder are lined up. Next month is the trial month for Michelle and us, while I'm working at Bidwells. Planning on each day at school too, each morning. It's a big grown up stage for him. Meanwhile I think we have a kids theatre show - Norwich, then Steiner then Bury every weekend whoooo.
Time with Iain might be in the pipeline too, courtesy of Jenny, but at least I know he's getting cinema time with Cathy on Wednesdays or whenever, and getting a few outings in himself.
Jitters begin or I don't feel right, don't feel right ..
I tell Iain, he reminds me to take a panda (Lorazepam) or offers me a panda.
Crucially my new experiment is to expect no more of him past the panda. If he's not around and I remember I get my own panda. this is all quite revolutionary, this stage of the drill.
I wait it out, choose a few activities out of those lined up, a few chores, a few food items to try and eat. I back off from everything else.
I believe that in time this drill will evolve to something more complex. This way I have managed to minimise a lot of damage. The sh has been minimal or absent and outbursts have been drastically curtailed, or largely impotent implosions, best slept off.
This is, of course an improvement.
I'm pretty sure it was not a catalyst, rather a time when I got some practice in, but Nani's death feels like a line drawn under a previous time. Partly some areas of my personality, my heart, my life have shut down and are still shut since her death, and the deaths, it seems, of many people who knew me as a little one. Mostly my feelings and grief are private, even inarticulate sometimes.
The only things I am being procative with really are work and budget-keeping. I've been temping solidly since Nani died. Next booking is a month long, maybe a permanent job at the end if I do it well. I don't get to see my friends much which is sad for me, but money worries and self worth are tough things to deal with and they are big triggers. I'm working hard at making ends meet too, but I don't know if I am managing as well as I think. More time will tell. I've had to abandon WeightWatchers as I wasn't losing weight any more and I was relying on a lot of ready made/processed food and Coke Zero ... my tummy is chaotic still. I need many many bacterias I think ...
So my aims are:
stick with the same skills for a month, and work. Pay bills. The house should exchange soon. Maybe that will help ... Skip the soda, and stay off the lactose - a month is a good long time to not have lactose :) Cook the quinoa breakfast, laksa and onigiri recipes, they sounded good. Iain thought risotto balls and quinoa balls sounded good too.
When it comes to Jaan he's been coping better than expected since I have been at work so much. Jenny the babysitter and Michelle the childminder are lined up. Next month is the trial month for Michelle and us, while I'm working at Bidwells. Planning on each day at school too, each morning. It's a big grown up stage for him. Meanwhile I think we have a kids theatre show - Norwich, then Steiner then Bury every weekend whoooo.
Time with Iain might be in the pipeline too, courtesy of Jenny, but at least I know he's getting cinema time with Cathy on Wednesdays or whenever, and getting a few outings in himself.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Downcycle
Groggy and devoid of hope in this downspin. Escape, the need to hide is a compulsion. Food is a disaster as meat is disgusting to me now and I know how hard it is to make veggies work with the insulin resistance.
nothing is right. extremes seem increasingly definite.
nothing is right. extremes seem increasingly definite.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Tracking cycles #BPD
I reckon bad feelings and triggers have been causing implosions for days now. Seems my friends' company makes me feel good, capable, accepted, and I get on with stuff.
Meanwhile the people I loved, but can't right now feel anything positive for just fill me with rage, irritation and pain as they ignore/shun/disregard/disobey me (seems like on purpose, they maliciously want me to fall off the precipice).
The emotional paIn is sharp and goes through deep inside me, horizontal lines - heart, chest, middle.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Tracking a BPD episode: first attempt
Borderline Personality Disorder gets ugly. For me there is the furious outbursts, attacks towards others and spiteful behaviour on the outside, deep soul destroying anguish and pain on the inside, and a desperate helpless sadness for myself, others, the world, all women etc etc take your pick. The flip of the dark deep pain is the over-exuberance, the babbling on and on, the inane chatter. I hate myself most at that phase. It is the least controlled, least attractive face I have. By this I mean I think it s even worse than uncontrollable crying, outrageous personal comments, being mean or cruel because I feel so awful and my more violent outbursts. Babble face makes me sick of myself, really sick and hateful.
So cheery.
I've been managing to achieve a bunch of stuff. I'm working at weekends, I have appointments lined up to see the cv advice and interview advice guy at the job centre, Iain is prepared to help me make sense of our possessions, I've been seeing my mates and will be seeing 2 more at long last again soon. Jaan is doing well at school.
There's normally fall out for me after all this good work and I feel it now. Sadness, deep sadness and a bit of mid level self loathing, a sense of disgust, also a certainty that one thing bad will come soon to trump any good.
I am keen to be sad in private (blog aside) rather than rail and analyse analyse analyse every element to pieces. Am wondering if that change will help. The cycle will take place regardless I suppose. Why have a lousy ride?
So cheery.
I've been managing to achieve a bunch of stuff. I'm working at weekends, I have appointments lined up to see the cv advice and interview advice guy at the job centre, Iain is prepared to help me make sense of our possessions, I've been seeing my mates and will be seeing 2 more at long last again soon. Jaan is doing well at school.
There's normally fall out for me after all this good work and I feel it now. Sadness, deep sadness and a bit of mid level self loathing, a sense of disgust, also a certainty that one thing bad will come soon to trump any good.
I am keen to be sad in private (blog aside) rather than rail and analyse analyse analyse every element to pieces. Am wondering if that change will help. The cycle will take place regardless I suppose. Why have a lousy ride?
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Weight loss waits
Oh baloney.
I've been having PCOS flare ups including horrendous night sweats, a tenacious UTI, ravenous chemically induced 'hunger', insomnia as well as bouts of not being able to stay awake sometimes, and ups and down in insulin and hormone levels.
Causing havoc with my life, my food and weight loss. 2 of those lost lbs have come back on.
I want to win here. Wish my body was not so consistently causing me pain and discomfort though. Am grouchy and self absorbed.
I've been having PCOS flare ups including horrendous night sweats, a tenacious UTI, ravenous chemically induced 'hunger', insomnia as well as bouts of not being able to stay awake sometimes, and ups and down in insulin and hormone levels.
Causing havoc with my life, my food and weight loss. 2 of those lost lbs have come back on.
I want to win here. Wish my body was not so consistently causing me pain and discomfort though. Am grouchy and self absorbed.
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