So, this kid bit my son, and drew blood, much to nobody's horror until I worked out what had happened, Sadface, very sadface

Number 1. 
I don't want to focus, but here's a George Washington style mini-effort -

Number 2.
Ee wont talk to me, not chat, not about anything original and important. I cease to exist with regularity

Number 3.
I know how to run away. I have realised though that it would involve such a lot of premeditation ... that is cruel.

So far so sad, what a bummer my life can be. (Whine, whine ad nauseam, although please bear in mind, actually, I am in great mental anguish over this, whining is unfortunate, but I am only human.)

Number 4.
my dog keeps running away, escaping, whatever. Oh the many levels of self-loathing, humiliation, mortification, and insecurity that engenders. I am a total loser and even my dog prefers the streets where F-all happens to being with me, or eating the food I lovingly set out for him. Hmmmm .... oh good parallels .... my kid wont eat my cooking either, excuse me while I go cry into a puddle in the sand where I can also bury my head ....

Goes without saying that the points 3 and 4 piled on each other are like a supreme Irony Knickerbocker Glory. Urgh. Kill me now.


Finally, Number 5., the big one.
Jaan's teacher did not check him over after an "incident".

Kid 1 was  making some variation of a den, when MY kid, kid 2 joined in by annihilating her den and setting his own ideas into effect ...  he is 3 and SURPRISE!! - lacked the skill to ask kid 1 if he could change it all. Wise of him - kid 1 would never have said yes - she is 3 too. Stupid of him to not set up his own den nearby INSTEAD - but then he would not want another one, he could see her one and wanted that. I can see that. Fight was inevitable. That's fine. What is not fine is that she bit him so hard he has a fairly sizable wound on his chest which he has been hiding, then protecting for days.

He eventually, after 3 days told me he thinks I will die, and there will be no one to protect him. Partly as a fascination with death project he has going on, and partly because I was not there to protect him or save him or show him how it can be ok, and neither were my proxies.

my proxies

No incident form was written and signed as far as my investigations have revealed.

Blood was drawn for chrissakes, he got hurt. No one looked. My son, my child, my baby. No one looked. Echoes of his birth anyone? I was alone with Jaan of course when Jaan shared some of this information with me plus cried in my arms about my own death and who would be his mummy then, and don't die etc. PTSD anyone?

My mum, proxy 2, appears to have done what she always does to me - focus on appearances and every fucker around but not me .... I mean, not Jaan. (Hush hush don't cause a fuss, it must be your fault it always is, you always cause trouble etc etc.) She asked him if he's ok when she collected him and the teacher told her about the (whisper) "incident". HE IS THREE I might add - he is still, after 5 days, worried about the idea that he has to be the one to sort this by explaining what happened. It is hard for him, almost impossible for him to work out what to say, or even work out what happened. Then she said, do you want to say bye (kiss and make up) with kid 1.

end of.

I am mortified (so what else is new) - WHY did I do this to him, my proxys are no good. The trust is gone, they are on a different planet to me, but I knew that surely, the incident that illuminates the whole farce to me could have been anything - ANYTHING - and could have been something very much worse - oh why did I ever embark on this line of responsibility-sharing - surely i knew it would come to this? I am a foolish, foolish fool - was I swayed by Ee? Was I cajoled by mental health workers and the health-visitor+Kayleigh tag-team? Did I think the tree hugging holistic KG set-up would guarantee Jaan himSELF would be cared for? More fool me - the reason I am upset is simple. Jaan kicks off all the time, he is sensitive - many people would say oversensitive - and other kids often get overwhelmed or non-plussed when he kicks off, goes into meltdown or whatever. What I KNOW is, that because of his meltdowns, his injury was ignored, in fact not even investigated. The cut still hurts him and he has not even had any first aid on it, and 4 days on, 5 days on, there is little I can do.

It took me so loooong to work out what had set him off kilter. The hygeine routine is Ees domain (an exercise in me relinquishing control, seeing as how everyone says i'm a Jaan-control-freak blah blah and I will be happy when I let go .... errrr .... hmmm). I'm asiduous in sticking to the agreements we make 'to help me recover'. Foolish, foolish,  careless, thoughtless me. It is easier to take my meds early in the evening so I can be alert as poss for Jaan in the morning .... so bathtime and naked chests are Ee-time revelations, and like an IDIOT I have not be giving the kid a once-over on a regular basis. His little body is so small, so vulnerable, so lacking in the second kidney, it physically aches inside me when I touch him - so yes, hands up - I DO avoid it, I DID agree to Ees input. Like I say, more fool me.


Tel me, someone, how can I recover from the ineptitude and callous disregard of my 'team'? That's not a team, that's Horace and Jasper off of 101 Dalmatians. Christ.

So what now -  do I need to rock up every day to school with him and guard him from a discreet distance?

I am overcommitted now - the puppy, friends visiting to power walk with me ... and the puppy is essential to recovery for me, and so is the walking, and recovery is what will help Jaan most, but OMG I have to find ways to wade in now and initiate my version of stealth child protection steps, it is not good enough to put him in the position he was in, nor is it ok for him to feel unsafe, scared .... he has not been himself since the incident, not because of being bitten, but because, unlike Mummy, mummy's nominated proxies did not look out for him - HIM, himself. KWIM?

I don't know how I'll cope with the criticism onslaught that is sure to avalanche once I start to redress this situation. What matters to me is Jaan, my pup, and food.

Maybe that can be a mantra. I wonder if mindfulness can help here ....

Jaan and his scans

Well, the Radiographer seems to have over-reacted, according to the consultant Mr Williams.

Apparantly, Jaan just needs to be discussed in clinic on Tuesday and we'll take it from there. Williams has seen the scan, and is not freaking out. 

Hurrah! 

We can all just chill till we hear what to do next.

Meanwhile, Jaan is pretty happy, enjoying life and all it has to offer him. Here he is with his little pal, Anna Banana.

Jaan Update!

Health -

Well, the Radiographer seems to think there is an obstruction at the place where Jaan's kidney reaches the bladder, but she can't see what - so I reckon we need another scan on a different machine with a different lady! More tests are in order, probably sooner than originally planned, as his kidney is still swollen - could be because he is growing, could be because of an obstruction - it's still too early to do anything more than monitor him closely. He is only 2 weeks old after all. Please do keep him in your thoughts and prayers. If all goes well, he will just be fine and keep growing strong and well. If he needs treatment, I hope we find out what and how he needs help soon. His doctors are capable people ... but the hospital system is very disorganised, and it does not seem to matter that he is 'in the system' - the system itself is slow and flawed, complete lack of communication, no one takes responsibility etc. Nothing new for me to see, but it is hardly comforting from a parents point of view when this is the best that is available anywhere ... 

We are staying positive, keeping Jaan's home life as happy and peaceful as possible - he is very happy and calm. Every week, when we go to hospital, he has a bad time, blood tests and ultrasounds etc, but then he comes home and life is good again. We are always with him at hospital, cuddling him and comforting him through his tests. It is hard, but he is as happy as can be, which is what counts. 

Activities -

Jaan sleeps and feeds a lot - we leave him to it otherwise! He is meant to sleep and sleep and grow while he sleeps, apparantly! I wish he could play more .... but he is so small!!! I know I have to let him be :) 

He has recently started crying a bit at night - can't settle himself, we've been feeding him too often in the evening and it has been hurting his digestion - OOPS!! Well, now we know! So back to 3 hourly feeds. That should help me too! He was getting very 'sucky' - needs his Dummy more. 

Iain is back at work, as of Monday, and has been coming home at lunchtime to see Jaan, and back home again at 5 pm. Lucky us! We only have to be apart between 8:00 and 12:00 and then 12:30 - 5:00. Not bad! Once Iain goes back to work after lunch, Jaan and I try and sleep in front of the TV, watching Deep Space 9 and Star Trek the Next Generation on Virgin 1. That is, if we are not out for some reason. Sometimes we have things to do! Jaan has a busy schedule. 

Tomorrow for example he has his hearing test, so we will go to that early in the morning, and then at 3 pm he has Baby Group to attend - some local ladies meeting up with their newborns, we met at our flat last week, and we're meeting at another ladies' tomorrow. We were expecting the Health Visitor too ... but will probably have to reschedule that visit as we don't want to miss seeing the babies! 

Jaan's First Weekend :( in hospital

Baby Jaan went in for his kidney scan on Friday, and ended up being admitted to the ward for observations - kidney infection, one kidney ... all sorts of dangers. Of course I had terrible pain to deal with still (in recovery with hardly any pain meds because of breastfeeding and because of my poor gut ...) so it was not fun!

We stayed in all weekend, took care of Jaan, fed him etc ... but managed to get some photos too as he developed so much in the few days. It was a scary time, but he is a joy to care for. A happy, peaceful, calm baby - gives us hope!

Baby Jaan in Hospital

Well, as many of you know now, Jaan is not very well. He's in hospital under observation - no need to panic just yet!

I'll try and update the blog so Jaan's loved ones can keep abreast of his progress (I think I can do it by text or at least at the hospital on the console by my bed). We love him so much, and he is such a good, brave, wonderful baby - he is coping so well with all the tests and being in hospital.

The real tests and monitoring start today/Monday. Basically he has a few issues with his kidneys - it is too soon to tell if it is a serious issue needing lots of treatment, or if it is just something to keep an eye on just in case.

Of course we hope he is just fine, and hope to take him home again in a week or so, till ten, we are stuck in the PICU at Addenbrookes. Luckily that is just 5 munutes from my parents' house! SO we have a nice place to shower, eat, sleep - not that we leave the hospital much!

Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers - he needs everyone's good vibes!!

Please don't phone us though as we don't like to leave him to check voicemail, and we are not at home at all. Plus, phone calls mean we have to leave hospital to charge our phones! Please do text us, email us and Facebook us - we are so happy to have him, are so proud of him, and so in love with him, but it is also so hard to watch him in hospital, so hard to feed him, rest, take care of myself as well ...

The Good News is:

• He is feeding beautifully - an excellent feeder. He is being breastfed exclusively.
• He is very happy and content.
• He wees and poos just fine - that is a very good sign.
• He is in no pain.
• He plays, looks around, watches us, 'reads' his shapes book - photos soon!

Much Love

Nadiya (and Iain)