You know we say "I'd do anything for one more day with her" ... well, I'd do anything too - I just pranced about LONDON wearing a silly bra all night in 4 degrees weather to raise money for Breast Cancer

Dear all 


So I managed to get myself trained and into the MoonWalk - a power-walking Marathon raising money for Breast Cancer. It was hard, the training side - plenty or people wanted to tell me I couldn't do it. Well, I did try - we were a team of 3 girls to start with, and 2 more girls joined in, one girl's husband too. We hardly met all through the training period except online as we all had jobs and kids and long distances between us. The girls in Royston - Karen, Lisa and Tricia trained together sometimes. We soon found we had different speeds while training as we were all getting faster .... The biggest changes were for Karen and Becca whose miles became around or under 15 minute miles. My aim was to get to a 16 minute training mile/17 minute race pace - I got close :) My best training time was just about 17 and half minute miles - but that was before Christmas.


Christmas was an emotional nightmare for me, as usual and there have been hugely bleak moments and weeks and months since. After Christmas Karen and Becca reached their fast times consistently, Tricia was doing very well too, keeping up with Karen, and Joe was still playing darts 3 times a week .... Lisa and I were struggling because of of our knees .... we both had injuries playing up badly. I was starting to think I won't be able to do the MoonWalk, but kept trying and decided to aim for the half marathon, not the full, and try not to feel bad if it doesn't happen. I saw the physio eventually a few weeks before the Walk, by the Becca had badly injured her hamstring. 


Marathon Day - at the starting line were Becca, Karen, Me, Joe and Tricia - Lisa's Mum died very suddenly a few weeks ago and she had pulled out. We'd been through a lot together between us, but we were brave, pulled on our decorated Bras and Tu-Tus --- Joe is a big man and was hilarious in his pink Tutu. Becca and I started together, I felt for her, she had to keep her speed down to 19 or 20 minute miles - as did I - and I'm an 18 minute mile these days but we both wanted to finish our challenges so much, we knew we had to listen to the physios and protect our legs. As I say, miles 1-3 were not so bad on my knee, didn't feel much out of the ordinary till miles 4-5 and by then I needed the loo and Becca didn't and I said my bye byes to her and as agreed beforehand, we recognised it was time to split up as she was still ok, leg-wise and mine was deteriorating. My plan then was to slow down, which I did, and slogged on at about 20 minute mile pace till the 7 mile mark. 


I'd had a word with one of the senior Race Marshalls at about 5 miles and with the St Johns ambulance crew at 7 miles - it was time to stop and I was gutted, but it WAS time, I know - my leg still feels a tad torn on Monday afternoon :( The event staff rocked up in a bit with a car with a bra painted on the side and we went to Hyde Park again, where we began the walk hours before, so I could see the medics and get my stuff. I made myself as comfy as I could in the big tent with the others who were there then, till my friends finished their marathon at 7:30 - then brekkie and home.


All night the people I thought of the most were Khalamma (my Aunt), who we lost too soon, and Ruckshunda Chachi (another Aunt) who had been such a big part of my childhood and who I was so close to. Nothing I ever do now can get me a moment back with Khalamma, can get her a glimpse of the woman I have become, of how my memories of her colour how I am, and I can't get a glimpse of who she would be now, I'll never know more, and I can't go back in time and write her more letters or send her something of my love, be there for her in her last years - I didn't do enough then and I can never do more. Last night I could not walk enough either, and that felt really awful, still does. There are lots and lots of people who have touched my life who have died of breast cancer, not just the earliest two who I loved such a lot. Every year a friend, or a friend's friend gets it - women my age and younger which is startling to me, and one of these women dies just a few months ago, we're still reeling, while another is getting to grips with what her life is like now that she is still alive but so much of her life is gone or changed. She is visiting her parents in America with her 2 year old miracle of a son now. I think about Tiffany's Mum (Brendan's sister Tiffany) and the lovely, lovely children she raised who are my family now. The loss hurts like no other and I am sure that is how it feels for everyone who loses a woman important to them this way. 


My biggest reason for trying to do such a tough challenge, specially when I've been struggling with the flashbacks in crowds and in London specifically is Nayyar Khala - - and Nani too. As I tell Jaan, they are still here and they are fine, and so Mummy is going to walk all night with lots of other Mummies wearing their bras and get lots and lots of money so that there will be a time when all the women who get breast cancer can be cared for with hope and dignity and get better. [Jaan doesn't get dignity, in his version I say Respect]. Nothing I did was even remotely enough, but the sponsorship money - mine is over £200, as a group me and my fiends have raised over £1000. You know how we say I would do anything just for one more  minute with her/him/them? Well, I would walk around the city of London, all night, in front of thousands of people, me being at least 4 stone overweight, in my silly Bra covered in ribbon and feathers and some leggings and a tutu. Oh wait I wouldn't just do it - I did do it! 


Thanks everyone for being so generous, I wish I could have completed my challenge for you, it would have befitted the generosity of my sponsors better. All I can say for certainly though is all the money is very well used to help the people who need it most; that more people will be able to have more time with the women they love, even if they get breast cancer, and that I gave it all I have, body mind and soul [which may explain why I'm struggling to get out of bed :) ] Much Love N

cannot bear what i have done, and what i have not done

sleft slept slept
bad dreams
unpleasant dreams
just things that are dreams

greatly dehydrated
in pain pain pain. waking but not being able to wake up, no ones there to latch on to, can't face the world and the internet which is my fallback go-to to latch in need.

hate the frailties of my mind my body my will my work my cognition my neurology my ligaments muscles and fat and body mass and metabolism and insulin receptivity and genes and collagen elasticity.

cannot access anything but these frailties and deficiencies.

knowledge that i was brave enough to try and to go on for 7 miles and that i raised money was processed some time ago and horrifically has no bearing on me now - just the bleakness

the one recurring insistent proud beep is that my mate Becca made it, she did she did she did and I am so glad so proud.

Blow by Hobble Pain MoonWalk Blow

Today I got home from my MoonWalk half marathon attempt and made it into bead to get over the trauma phase one. Now here's the blow by blow -


Am now awake again and ready to update :) #MoonWalk ACHEY ACHEY ACHES


So, am in excruciating pain after #MoonWalk as my £@$%^ knee gave way halfway through my half marathon ....



Miles 1-3 were pain free...

Miles 4-5 my knee was starting to behave badly, I was walking fine with my mate by my side and using the stuff Physio taught me

Organisers offered to take me back to base by about mile 6 :( They were great with advice and support for the pain, I kept going

At the seven mile marker it was time to stop which was so disappointing as my half marathon aim was, i thought, modest enough.#MoonWalk

Gutted it was so hard for my knee - I did everything I could to go on as long as poss and 7 miles seems so little

but on the other hand, it has been an enormous challenge to even get to the #MoonWalk and I kept going mile after painful mile (mile 5 on)

Did my best, of that I am sure, and if it helps women in need (and MoonWalk money DOES help) then I dont begrudge the pain.

How about a Holiday Season Strategy of Good Cheer

My much-lauded positive-ity demands this list.

1. Look forward. Ignore/sidestep/block-out or apply mindfulness techniques to past traumas, memories, regrets - even everyday disappointments. As soon as they occur - look ahead. An experiment in extreme looking ahead. Last year was atrocious. This year there are props: my sister's kids, my son, my new puppy, my cat, my MoonWalk training. Eyes forward then. 
2. Use the senses - touch - - pets and kids, Iain, MohDoh, my hair, food, the carpet/Yogamat while I am training. 
3. Smell - burn and burn and burn more aromatherapy oil. Stink everything up to an impressive level. All the good smells can trigger: looking forward. Shun the decay of old. 
4. Taste - Eat. Nourishing food: eat. Hydrate to the max - 'milk', 'teas', coffee, squash, juice, smoothies, water, cider, soup, oranges, ramen: it matters not.
5. Listen to the radio, podcasts and music. Ignore foolish reliance on actual human companionship and meaningful conversation, it cannot be relied upon and can merely serve as icing (or poison) on the hypothetical cake. Again: The puppy/child/radio Trinity can mean reliable, regular salvation. a truly soothing balm for the soul. Why not opt for an outside-the-box everyday?
6. Do the accounts every week, every day, every hour if that is what it takes - and claw my way out of debt. Sleep easy then knowing I am not making it worse. 
7. Look at all the internet window-shopping, pictures and blogs. Look, see, enjoy. Enjoy my Christmas home, I do like Christmas food and tree and our stuff. Play with my pets and kids. Look ahead to plenty of soft warm little bodies clambering on me, don't look back to the hollow of subfertility. 
8. Run, walk, stretch, train, sleep, take long baths, spray on the magnesium, and then walk some more.
9. I've already planned who I am going to see, who I will write to, who I will gift stuff to. Enjoy doing that. Look ahead, not back, nothing else matters - I have training and playing and sleeping to do. Much ramen to slurp. Many chickpeas and potatoes to slather in Mary Berry sauce.

MoonWalk, MoonWalk

There's a MoonWalk fundraising blog for my blogposts too http://www.walkthewalkfundraising.org/heros/blog/47801